Why I Became A Peer Supporter

I wrote this just before my daughters first birthday, it was in response to a request from the childrens centre as to what my experiences of breastfeeding were and why I decided to become a Breast Buddy.

To update I continued to breastfeed my daughter for another 8 months, when we both sort of weaned naturally without any major traumas (other than trouble finding green cabbage in Morrisons when I really needed it)

I had always intended to breastfeed my baby, it was something I knew from the moment I was pregnant, I had a vague understanding of the benefits for my baby, and a better understanding of the benefits to me.

I knew that there was a link between breast feeding and reduced risk of breast cancer.

My mum died of metastasised breast cancer 5 years ago and reducing my own risk was an important if somewhat selfish factor in deciding to breastfeed.

I did some antenatal classes and they included breastfeeding sessions, they were lead by midwives or breast feeding “experts” and I learnt all about the basics; latching on, colostrum, let down, positioning, skin to skin, hand expressing. We looked at all the pictures and watched the DVD’s, and played with the knitted boobs.

I have to say I felt prepared for what was coming, and I waited for my baby to arrive. When my daughter was born the midwife sort of dumped her on my chest, there was a lot going on involving needles and thread and she was a bit busy.

My daughter frowned at me and I sort of stared at her in disbelief, and then after a few minutes something really amazing happened; this tiny little thing all purple and crumpled in the world for such a short time made her first decision “I’m hungry and I want some milk....now” and she tried to find it for herself.

Between the two of us we got her to the right place and I struggled to remember everything I had been told in those sessions, but she seemed to have a pretty good idea herself.

Things got more complicated over the next few days, she had a habit of sucking her bottom lip and when she latched on sometimes it stayed sucked in. This meant that she was not latching correctly but I didn’t always realise. I asked for help on the ward from the midwives, I felt a little like they were too busy, they would come along and grab my breast and baby and connect the two, and that was that. They would say buzz us next time you’re going to feed and we’ll watch you, but they always seemed so busy, sometimes it would take them up to an hour to respond to the buzz, by then I’d already fed the baby because I she would get so upset if she was made to wait too long.

When I was discharged it was hard work, no one in all the sessions I had been to had told me quite how often and for how long a newborn baby would feed, it seemed never ending, I was exhausted. We were referred back to the hospital to see a paediatrician by the covering midwife because my daughters weight loss was just over the threshold number. On top of the exhaustion I felt this made me feel as though I was failing my baby, that I was unable to give her what she needed, I was really upset.

When we got to the hospital the baby was hungry, we saw the dr and she said that a midwife would come and watch her feed and put together a feeding plan. We told her the baby was hungry and that she needed feeding, the Dr assured us we would not be waiting long. We were agitated and the baby was hungry, after about 40 mins of waiting for the midwife we asked where she was, apparently on here coffee break, by the time she arrived we were all pretty worked up.  She watched me feed, gave me some advice on latching on and went off to put together the feeding plan.

I’m not sure what I expected from a feeding plan, but it wasn’t a sentence in my notes saying express after each breast feed and top up the baby with expressed milk; and ensure the baby was latched on correctly.

I went home and tried it out; my daughter was feeding almost every hour and a half, to express and top her up between feeds was a trail, and then there was all the sterilising to do. When I expressed I didn’t manage to get much milk so worried that I did not have enough. We had no idea how to give her the milk I managed to express, I really did not want to give her a bottle but we weren’t sure what else to do, in any event she refused the bottle which made me even more stressed and upset because I felt i could not do what the medical professionals said I needed to do for my baby. I did not want to call the hospital advice line because I was afraid that they would get me to come in again. I didn’t really know who else to talk to. I ended up on the phone to my best friends mum at 2am in tears.

The next morning my midwife came to see me; I was upset and tired and confused. She read my notes, asked a few questions about what had been said at the hospital, had I been given any info on how and when to express, advice on how to administer the expressed milk.  By this stage I had also developed blisters on my left nipple, which was making feeding very painful. My midwife was very supportive, she talked to me and listened to me, she made me feel as though she had time for me. She checked that I could get my daughter latched on and could recognise when the bottom lip was not in position and then she told me to disregard the instructions given to me at the hospital, and to feed by baby when she wanted for as long as she wanted. She wanted me to relax.

Over the next few days I grew much more confident with breast feeding and my daughter started to blossom, I was however shocked when we got to day 10. Growth spurt time, that was a big shock, someone somewhere had mentioned it, no one had told me that I would quite literally feel like I was a milking machine. It was such hard work I’d felt as though we were turning a corner I was getting some sleep and then all of a sudden we were feeding for hours on end through day and night. It was over soon enough but

I was surprised that no one had warned me or reminded me.

The early days of breast feeding were hard work neither of us really knew what we were doing, it took time to get our technique right, to learn each other cues. I had been to the sessions and the classes, but in the dark at 3am when you’re sleep deprived, emotional, and more than a little overwhelmed its hard to remember what you learnt, and be confident. On a couple of occasions I said “lets just get some formula”, but my partner was very supportive and helped me to see that I wanted to breast feed and that I could do it.

I found great support in the feeding room at mothercare, it was the only place I knew of where other mums were breast feeding, I could talk to them and realise that my issues were not new and that helped. Then I came across the childrens centre, and here I met even more mums who were breast feeding and who I could talk to, and staff who were willing to spend time with me when I had an issue.

My daughter is now 11 months old now and we’re still breast feeding and there is a reason for that, I found a group of people I could talk to who understood my issues and worries and knew just how I felt. I have had some hiccups along the way, some blips in confidence, but having a group of people who are supportive and have had similar experiences to me has helped me to continue breast feeding.

This is why I am training to become a breastfeeding peer supporter, mums like me need mums like me; to listen to us. We need someone who has experienced what we have experienced and can understand the emotional rollercoaster we are on especially in those first few weeks